Redefining Success

Origins of, and issues with, the traditional model of ‘success’

Most people who are raised within contemporary Western societies are conditioned to believe that they must follow a pre-determined path. We’re told that in order to be ‘successful’, we must excel at school, pass all of our exams, progress onto further education, find a ‘respectable’ job, progress in a chosen field, find a partner, buy a house, get married and start a family. Whilst there’s nothing inherently wrong with choosing to follow this path, the stress placed upon this model of success is deeply rooted in capitalistic, patriarchal, ableist, Eurocentric and hetero-normative ideals.

Judging an individual’s worth based upon the conventional indicators of success (e.g. qualifications, titles, wealth, career, material possessions, reputation, appearance and relationship status) is deeply ignorant of those who are disabled, chronically ill, neurodivergent, queer, from lower socio-economic backgrounds and/or from global majority backgrounds. Furthermore, many people face uncontrollable circumstances in life such as trauma, bereavement, injury, illness and war, which prevent them from meeting ‘expected’ milestones. Many people also simply have no interest in adhering to the conventional model of ‘success’, which is completely valid.

The relationship between Western beauty standards and traditional models of ‘success’

In addition to the immense amount of pressure placed upon us to achieve a particular lifestyle, beauty standards and ‘wellness’ culture also perpetuate the idea that we must uphold a ‘conventionally attractive’ physical appearance in order to be viewed as ‘successful’. The Western beauty standard is deeply problematic in itself, especially for women: the glorification of slim (and often unhealthily underweight) body types, light skin and straight, blonde hair is dismissive of non-white individuals and praises self-deprivation in pursuit of ‘beauty’. Men also face significant pressure to maintain a ‘conventionally attractive’ body type, which often involves severe dietary adjustments and excessive exercise. Furthermore, maintaining a ‘conventionally attractive’ appearance often comes at a substantial financial cost. Following specific diets, using particular beauty products, buying ‘flattering’ clothing, subscribing to a gym membership and undergoing aesthetic treatments equates to a significant sum of money, a sum that many people do not have access to – especially those from under-represented backgrounds. The mental cost of constantly chasing a ‘desirable’ appearance is arguably even greater than the financial cost.

Gender roles, family, and traditional models of success

The traditional idea of the ‘nuclear family’ (a family consisting of a married, heterosexual couple and their children, all living within the same residence) is often deemed to be an indicator of ‘success’. In fact, the importance placed upon achieving financial stability and finding a partner relatively early in life supports the emergence of a traditional family unit. Therefore, women are expected to cultivate qualities that are deemed as attractive to men and ultimately, to marry a partner and bear children. Men, on the other hand, are expected to be strong, assertive, and possess traditionally ‘masculine’ qualities in order to become ‘good’ husbands and fathers. Again, whilst there is nothing inherently wrong with this family structure (having a healthy and stable family is a privilege that many do not have), it becomes problematic when viewed as the only acceptable family dynamic. There should be no shame attached to being single and/or childless, whether it be through choice or not. Women especially still face significant pressure to get married and have children before it’s ‘too late’, and there is still significant stigma surrounding the choice to remain childless. Furthermore, traditional gender roles do not have to be adhered to in order to have a healthy relationship, and the emphasis on gender roles within a relationship overlooks the experiences of many queer dynamics. Despite an overall increase in the acceptance of queer identities since the late 1980’s, there is still a substantial amount of stigma and misunderstanding surrounding homosexual, homo-romantic, asexual, queer-platonic and polyamorous relationships. Homosexuality is still outlawed in 64 countries, and the recent rise in Conservative ideals has seen an increase in prejudice towards LGBTQ+ people, particularly transgender and genderqueer people.

The pressure to live independently

Within contemporary Western societies, people are often expected to move out of their family home as soon as possible, with home ownership being viewed as the end goal. Whilst moving out and eventually owning a home does have its benefits, it simply isn’t accessible for many people, especially considering our current socio-economic climate. Aside from financial concerns, people may continue to live with their parents/family for various reasons, some of which include disability, chronic illness, caring responsibilities, family values and personal preferences. It’s essential to acknowledge that living with family is a privilege that many people do not have, but those who do live with family often face judgement, even if the living arrangements work for everybody involved.

Influencer culture and traditional models of success

Due to the popularity of social media and influencer culture within contemporary Western society, the pressure to appear ‘successful’ is perhaps more prevalent than ever. If you have an internet connection, it’s likely that you’ve been exposed to digital content that idealises a particular lifestyle – usually, a lifestyle that aligns with the traditional definition of ‘success’. Such content can trigger comparison and in turn, spark feelings of inadequacy. However, it’s useful to remember that most influencers are business owners, and their job isn’t to accurately portray their everyday lives; their job is to create aesthetically pleasing content in order to promote a particular product or brand.

Social comparison and the subjectivity of success

During early adulthood, it can be tempting to compare oneself and one’s life to others of a similar age. For example, a person who didn’t have the opportunity to go to university at the age of 18 may compare themselves to their peers who were able to graduate at the age of 21. They then may internalise the idea that it’s ‘too late’ for them because they feel that they have to ‘catch up’ with their peers. This scenario doesn’t just apply to education; whenever we see others achieving things that we would like to achieve but haven’t had the opportunity to do so, we can quite easily slip into the mindset that we’re somehow falling behind in life. People who have faced adverse circumstances, people from under-represented backgrounds, people from under-privileged backgrounds and disabled and/or chronically ill people are much more likely to feel like they’re falling behind compared to those who do not fit into these groups.

Social exclusion and the importance of community

Despite societal expectations, nobody’s worth is determined by their qualifications, productivity, wealth, career, appearance, reputation, material possessions or relationship status. However, unfortunately, there can be real repercussions for individuals who are unable or unwilling to adhere to societal expectations and models of ‘success’. In worst-case scenarios, those who don’t have a support network and are unable to complete education, engage in work, reach financial independence, fit in socially or maintain a heterosexual relationship may face estrangement, isolation, abuse, poverty and/or homelessness, as well as barriers to appropriate support. These issues are largely upheld by systems of oppression that seek to marginalise those who are deemed to be less ‘useful’ to the economy. This is why it’s so important to foster understanding and a sense of community. Many people fear things that they don’t understand, especially those from privileged and sheltered backgrounds. There’s no denying the fact that everybody faces unique struggles, even those who could be considered to be ‘privileged’. We’re all responsible for educating ourselves about situations that differ from our own and cultivating a sense of empathy. By doing so, we can help to create a society that is more understanding, empathetic and supportive towards those who may otherwise be left to struggle alone.

Redefining ‘success’

Within a society that values a model of success rooted in capitalistic, patriarchal, ableist, Eurocentric and hetero-normative ideals, the ultimate act of rebellion is to re-define the concept of ‘success’ all together. This isn’t to say that you have to entirely reject social conventions; for example, if pursuing a career and starting a traditional family would bring you joy, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Instead, redefining success entails shifting the focus from external validation to internal validation. In order to cultivate our own subjective definition of success, we have to ask ourselves “what do I truly want?” as opposed to “what do I feel I should be doing?”, or “what does society expect of me right now?”. For example, if you don’t really want to start a family but feel like you ‘should’ because it’s expected of you, perhaps you could explore the reasons for this.

It's paramount to address that within our current economy, few have the luxury of living a life that feels completely fulfilling. For example, it would be unrealistic to suggest that you should simply quit your job if social expectations play a role in your desire to work. The majority of people have to work to earn a living, even if there is an element of external validation that comes from the act of working. This actually relates to another misconception regarding success: the misconception that success is synonymous with persistent happiness. To define success as ‘living a life that makes you happy’ would also be ignorant to the fact that happiness isn’t always attainable.

Ultimately, redefining success is a process of learning that success shouldn’t be considered to be synonymous with one’s qualifications, titles, wealth, career, material possessions, appearance, reputation, relationship status, or any other factor that fits the conventional model of success. It involves familiarising yourself with your core values, owning your circumstances, making choices with your own goals in mind, respecting your own timeline and treating yourself with compassion, regardless of what others may think.  Additionally, redefining success also entails unlearning internalised judgemental attitudes, such as holding negative attitudes towards those who are unable or unwilling to adhere to traditional models of success.

Conventional indicators of 'success' do not define an individual’s worth; success is subjective.

-              Kirsty Marie

Understanding Invisible and Dynamic Disabilities

What are invisible disabilities?

Invisible disabilities are physical, mental or neurological conditions that are not immediately apparent to others. Examples include neurodevelopmental conditions (such as autism, ADHD and dyslexia), neurological conditions, medical conditions, sensory impairments, cognitive conditions and mental health conditions. Invisible disabilities often have a significant impact upon an individual’s life and ability to perform daily activities. Just because they’re not immediately obvious, invisible disabilities are not ‘less severe’ than visible disabilities.

What are dynamic disabilities?

A dynamic disability is a condition or impairment that fluctuates over time. The severity of the condition and its impact on daily life can vary over time, potentially fluctuating several times throughout a single day. Unlike static conditions (such as an amputated leg), dynamic disabilities can be unpredictable; they often involve periods of both relative stability and substantial struggle. Common examples of dynamic disabilities include neurological conditions, auto-immune conditions, chronic pain and mental illnesses. People with neurodevelopmental conditions, such as autism and ADHD, may also find that their abilities fluctuate over time, as well as with changes in circumstances.

Why is awareness important?

Both invisible and dynamic disabilities are often mis-understood. Many invisible disabilities are also dynamic disabilities, and vice-versa. Because of this, many individuals with invisible and dynamic disabilities report being disbelieved and cannot access the support that they need. Employment can also be very difficult for those living with invisible and dynamic disabilities: full-time work isn’t possible for many people disabled people, and those with invisible and/or fluctuating conditions may struggle to access disability benefits due their varying abilities and seemingly healthy appearance. The majority of flexible, remote and part-time jobs require a substantial amount of experience, which is often a barrier for those who have been disabled for a long period of time. There is also a lot of stigma surrounding unemployment and the welfare system. Because people with invisible and/or dynamic disabilities often seem healthy and have days where they feel somewhat okay, they may face judgement for their employment status, despite experiencing debilitating symptoms and genuinely being unable to work a traditional job. Furthermore, due to the fluctuating nature of their condition, people with dynamic disabilities can be incorrectly assumed to be ‘unreliable’. All of these factors can lead to social isolation, abuse, neglect, poor mental health, poor physical health, barriers to appropriate medical interventions, unemployment, financial difficulties, poverty, and even homelessness.

How to support those living with invisible and dynamic disabilities

Living with disabilities can be very challenging. A supportive sense of community is essential to ensure that disabled people are less likely to face negative outcomes in life. Some ways in which you can support disabled people, especially those with invisible and dynamic disabilities, include:

·       Raising awareness of invisible disabilities and their impact on daily life

·       Promoting accessibility and inclusion

·       Asking people about their needs and catering to them

·       Challenging stigma and negative attitudes

·       Listening to those with lived experiences

·       Not pressuring people into doing things that you feel they ‘should’ be able to do

·       Not assuming a person’s abilities based upon their appearance

·       Respecting that everybody has different limitations and abilities

·       Accepting that many disabilities are dynamic and therefore unpredictable

·       Asking if there is anything you can do to make interactions and activities more accessible

Even small gestures, such as letting somebody know that you’re there for them, can go a long way. By challenging stigma and amplifying the voices of disabled people, we can work towards dismantling systems of oppression.

How to advocate for yourself

Being disabled is exhausting in itself and you don’t owe anybody an explanation. Your needs are valid regardless of how much information you share with others. That being said, if a situation arises in which you need or want to advocate for yourself, you could try the following:

·      Affirm that you don’t owe anybody details about your medical history in order to be disabled and have genuine accessibility needs

·      Request reasonable adjustments and accessibility needs

·      Share details about your condition and how it affects you, only if you want to

·      Practice respectfully saying ‘no’ to things that you are not able to do, or do not have the capacity for

·      Affirm that it isn’t selfish to have needs and limitations, or to request accommodations

Setting boundaries and advocating for yourself can feel unnatural at first. Many of us are brought up to believe that setting boundaries, talking about our struggles and requesting accommodations is burdensome, but this simply isn’t the case. Your needs are valid, and it isn’t selfish to voice them; those who are worthy of your time will understand. By bringing disabilities, accessibility needs and lived experiences into conversation, we can shed light on issues that have previously been buried and help to create a more inclusive, accessible society.

-              Kirsty Marie

Types of ADHD

Introduction to ADHD

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition that encompasses a wide variety of experiences. Each individual with ADHD will face a unique set of symptoms and challenges.

Due to largely inaccurate stereotypes perpetuated by the media, ADHD is often thought to be a condition defined only by hyperactivity and impulsivity. As is also the case with autism, there are many misconceptions surrounding ADHD and unfortunately, people with ADHD are frequently stereotyped as being ‘disruptive’, ‘lazy’ or ‘rude’. Such misconceptions imply that the behaviours associated with ADHD are choices and contribute to the stigma surrounding the condition. Therefore, in order to challenge this stigma, it’s vital to develop an accurate understanding of ADHD and its many presentations.

There are thought to be three types of ADHD, including Inattentive ADHD, Hyperactive-impulsive ADHD, and Mixed ADHD. ADHD can also exist alongside autism (sometimes referred to as AuDHD). Each type of ADHD generally encompasses the following traits:

Inattentive ADHD:

·      Easily distracted

·      Often misses deadlines or forgets to complete tasks on-time

·      Often has trouble organising tasks and activities

·      Often indecisive and easily overwhelmed by multiple options

·      Often struggles to commit to a single focus

·      Prone to making careless mistakes

·      Prone to losing items

·      Prone to boredom

·      Prone to frequent daydreaming

·      Slow processing speed

·      Difficulty following instructions

·      More prevalent in females

Hyperactive-impulsive ADHD:

·      Difficulty sitting still

·      Prone to fidgeting and stimming

·      Often very talkative

·      Often ‘on-the-go’

·      Often impatient

·      Can be reckless

·      Prone to speaking before thinking

·      Prone to making impulsive decisions

·      Prone to acting or speaking out-of-turn

Combined ADHD:

·      Exhibit multiple traits of both inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive ADHD

·      The most common type of ADHD

Whilst hyperactive ADHD isn’t uncommon, most people with ADHD have a combination of both hyperactive and inattentive ADHD. Inattentive ADHD is also more common in women and girls, and due to its quieter nature, often slips under the radar.

AuDHD

Autism and ADHD can, and often do, co-exist. Whilst traits such as executive dysfunction, hyper-focus and social/emotional difficulties are aspects of both autism and ADHD, many traits of autism and ADHD contradict each other. For example, autistic people often need routine, predictability, familiarity and clear instructions to function. However, people with ADHD often find it very difficult to stick to routines and need spontaneity. For somebody with AuDHD, they may need routines in order to function, but really struggle to implement and commit to them due to their distractibility. They may also need spontaneity and excitement for their mental wellbeing, but become very distressed and experience physiological reactions when faced with any kind of change. For this reason, it can be very difficult for people with AuDHD to find a balance between meeting the needs of their ADHD whilst avoiding overstimulation, distress, meltdowns and shutdowns.

My journey to diagnosis

I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD at the age of 21.

At first, I was convinced that this was a misdiagnosis. I never even considered the fact that I could have ADHD until my therapist brought it up during one of our sessions. My diagnosis of autism was never so difficult for me to believe; after all, I’ve always exhibited many of the more ‘stereotypical’ traits associated with autism spectrum condition. I probably wouldn’t have found any reason to go for an ADHD assessment if my therapist hadn’t highlighted how gaining an insight into the condition could help me to manage my symptoms. Thankfully, I was referred through the ‘right to choose’ scheme and was able to get an assessment within a year (which I’m very grateful for!). Following the assessment, the outcome was very clear: I’ve most definitely always lived with inattentive ADHD.

Many of the questions that I was asked by the psychologist seemed scarily relevant; I’ve always been known for having a shocking short-term memory, losing things (losing 4 sets of house keys within a year is my personal best), being late due to distraction, finding it almost impossible to see projects through to the end (unless I become hyper-fixated, then I struggle to focus on anything but that one thing), changing my mind about important decisions at least 10 times per day, and finding myself in states of decision paralysis where I find it impossible to choose the simplest thing, such as what to watch on TV. In the latter occasion, I often become so overwhelmed by options that I end up doing nothing but ruminating on every possible outcome whilst rotting in bed. I always did wonder why I’ve always struggled to get through TV series and films…

Until my diagnosis, I incorrectly assumed that ADHD was defined by physical hyper-activity. As a quiet person who has always preferred to live slowly, I could relate to little of the diagnostic criteria for hyperactive-impulsive ADHD. The only times in which I become hyperactive are when I’m stimming due to excitement over a special interest or experiencing anxiety due to an overwhelming trigger. However, since researching the condition, I’ve found that many of the stereotypes associated with ADHD are derived from a set of behaviours present in a narrow (and predominantly male) population – as is the case with autism.

Challenging harmful misconceptions:

There are many harmful misconceptions and stereotypes associated with ADHD. Some of these include:

·      Only children can have ADHD (false)

·      ADHD is a choice (false)

·      ADHD is a ‘new’ condition (false)

·      You can ‘grow out’ of ADHD (false)

·      All people with ADHD are hyperactive and impulsive (false)

·      People with ADHD are rude, lazy and disruptive (false)

·      Medication is the only treatment for ADHD (false)

·      Only boys can have ADHD (false)

In actual fact, the ADHD brain is wired differently to the neurotypical brain. Any individual of any gender, race, ethnicity and background can have ADHD. ADHD has always existed, the only reason why some individuals believe that it’s a ‘new’ condition is because the term ‘ADHD’ wasn’t coined until the 1980’s. Even following the formal recognition of ADHD, there was little awareness of the condition until fairly recently.

One thing is certain: ADHD is not a choice. A key difference between an ADHD brain and a neurotypical brain is the level of norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter. Norepinephrine is produced from dopamine, and since they are closely related, it is believed that lower levels of dopamine and norepinephrine are associated with ADHD. An imbalance in dopamine transmission in the brain may be linked to ADHD symptoms, such as inattention and impulsivity. This imbalance may also affect the dopamine reward pathway, altering how the ADHD brain experiences reward and pleasure. The structure of the brain’s frontal cortex, limbic regions, and basal ganglia can differ between an ADHD brain and a neurotypical brain. In ADHD, the DMN (default mode network) is often more active than in a neurotypical brain. The DMN activates during daydreaming and when a person is unable to concentrate on a task or activity.

While ADHD medication can enhance attention, focus, and impulse control, it doesn’t ‘cure’ ADHD. It’s also not suitable for everyone, including those with certain physical health conditions like heart issues. Although medication can be helpful, it is possible to improve areas such as productivity, time management, and impulse control naturally. This doesn’t imply that individuals with ADHD can manage these areas as easily as neurotypical individuals—we’ve already established that ADHD is not a choice and results from concrete differences in the brain. It simply means that people with ADHD might benefit from discovering techniques that are effective for their brains.

Some strategies that might assist in managing ADHD include:

·      Setting alarms that signal when to start and finish a task. For example, in the morning, a person could have alarms indicating when to get up, brush their teeth, get ready, have breakfast, and leave the house.

·      Having visible calendars and reminders displayed around the house.

·      Utilising time-management apps.

·      Utilising fidget toys.

·      Creating to-do lists for each day.

·      Relying on meal prep, ready-made ingredients (such as ready-made pasta sauces) and frozen/pre-prepared foods.

·      Planning weekly meals ahead of time.

·      Planning outfits the night before.

·      Informing loved ones of ways in which they can help.

·      Seeking support for co-occurring mental health conditions.

Summary

ADHD is a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition that encompasses a wide range of experiences. There are a lot of misconceptions about ADHD, and it’s vital to challenge these misconceptions in order to prevent the perpetuation of harmful stereotypes. People with ADHD are often very creative and bring fresh perspectives, and with the right support, the more distressing symptoms of ADHD can be managed.